When a stay at home dad goes through a divorce, can he get full custody of his children?
What about child support or alimony payments?
As a stay at home dad, can you get custody of your child in a divorce? The answer is yes! Being the primary caretaker gives you an advantage and might tip the odds in your favor.
But it’s not always that simple. There are plenty of other factors you should take into account as well.
In this article, I’m going to show you the things that work in your favor during a divorce as a stay at home dad. As well as some of the drawbacks that might work against you. I’ll also discuss some tips to help set you up in the best position possible.
A Harvard study found that stay at home dads were 32% more likely to go through a divorce than working men, so divorce advice is something to keep in the back of your mind, even if your relationship is currently going just fine!
Factors That Will Work in Your Favor
Being the primary caretaker. As a stay at home dad, you probably know your child better than anyone else. Even your spouse! The courts might favor continuing the current home life for your child and might not want to disrupt their lives.
Divorces can be a traumatic time for children, so lessening that as much as possible is often at the forefront of a judge’s mind.
Almost every state establishes visitation and custody based on the best interests of the child, so this works in your favor.
Courts are usually gender neutral. You may have heard that courts tend to favor giving custody of children to mothers and you might have even heard from multiple fathers who claim they were “screwed over” when it comes to child custody or support payments.
Most states and countries have rewritten their laws to be more gender neutral. The main reason that women still win the majority of custody battles is that there are still far more stay at home moms out there than stay at home dads.
Factors That Might Work Against You
You might face discrimination. Some judges might still let their personal feelings override the facts. For example, some might feel that mothers make better caregivers in general and be more likely to award custody to a mother. However, this sentiment isn’t nearly as strong as it was a few decades ago.
Lack of financial independence. You might have a harder time arguing that you’ll be able to care for your child if you don’t have any source of income and you’ve been out of the workforce for years.
Although there is always child support and spousal support payments to counteract this. Not having resources to care for your child like a car might still work against you.
Tips to Better Your Odds at Getting Custody
Be involved with all the aspects of your child’s life. If you’re a good father, this should be pretty automatic. But make sure that you’re attending school functions, parent-teacher conferences, social activities, sports, and doctor appointments with your child.
Gather and keep proof of what you do on a daily basis as a stay at home dad, and evidence of your child’s relationship with you.
Don’t talk poorly about your spouse in front of your children. It makes your child feel even worse, and doesn’t help you accomplish anything. Plus judges won’t tolerate it in the courtroom.
Have witnesses. Have impartial people that have seen you and your child interacting in various circumstances who can testify about your relationship with your child. For example, other parents that have seen you interacting with your child at school, during playdates, or at the playground.
Don’t deny visitation or joint custody with your spouse. Judges tend to frown upon a parent keeping the other parent from having access to their child, unless there’s a valid reason for it. Your child deserves to have a relationship with their mother, even if you are the primary caregiver.
Be ready to negotiate. Divorces tend to have a lot of give and take, and it’s unlikely that you’ll get 100% of what you want out of it. You can hold out for what you think will be best for your family, but pick your battles and be a bit flexible.
Be the first one to file. Usually the person who files for a divorce has an advantage. They get to present their argument first, including during a settlement conference or when presenting evidence at trial.
Alternatives to Divorce
Marriage counseling. Unless your partner has really slighted you, it’s worth considering marriage counseling before calling it quits.
Even if you’ve tried talking to each other before and were unsuccessful, a trained counselor may really help to facilitate communication.
Many marriages can be saved by just doing a few marriage counseling sessions and having an outside party take a look at your situation.
Most marriage counselors charge between $75 and $150 per hour, and recommend at least 12 weeks of sessions. But that can be well worth it if your marriage is saved.
Legal separation. A separation is similar to a divorce in many ways. Both create a division between you and your spouse when it comes to finances and child custody.
The main difference of a separation is that you’re still legally married. You still need to say that you’re married on forms, you can’t remarry, and you can still inherit from each other upon death.
A separation can be a good first step if you think a divorce might be the right solution, but you or your spouse isn’t 100% sure that things won’t work out. It can give some time to resolve important issues while deciding what you ultimately want. Some people might also prefer a separation for personal or religious reasons.
Mediation. This is the next level up from marriage counseling or therapy. At this point, you definitely want to separate. But maybe you’re still on good enough terms with your partner that you can work things out without taking it to court.
During a divorce mediation, the couple uses a neutral mediator to come to mutual agreements regarding the terms of your divorce. A mediator might be a lawyer or they may not. But they’ll need a good understanding of family law either way.
Even when using a mediator, both parties should still consult with their own separate attorneys and before signing any final divorce settlement.
Mediation is a good option because it reduces expenses and can allow you to reach a faster agreement. That’s easier on your children, and may create a better relationship with your ex in the long term.
But mediation can be a waste of time and money if an agreement can’t be reached, and you end up taking it to court anyway. So it might not be worth considering mediation if you and your spouse have unreasonably different expectations for the divorce.
Divorce mediation has an average cost of about $7,000, while a contested divorce costs an average of about $13,000.
Conclusion
When it comes to divorces, fathers are filing for full custody of their children at higher rates than ever before.
Being a stay at home dad won’t usually hurt you during a divorce proceeding. In fact, being the primary caregiver usually gives you an advantage when it comes to child custody.
Plus you may be entitled to both spousal support and child support if you have a low income or no income of your own at all.
The most important thing to keep in mind is the well-being of your child. The ultimate outcome of a divorce should be one that is in the best interest of your child, not something done for malicious reasons or to hurt your spouse.
Be sure to consider alternatives like marriage counseling or a separation as well, and don’t immediately default to divorce. In my opinion, a divorce should be the last resort option when everything else has failed.
Have you gone through a divorce or separation as a stay at home dad? What was the process like for you?
Disclaimer: I am not a lawyer or expert and this article is presented for informational purposes only. Laws and practices may be different where you live, and no guarantee is made regarding the accuracy of the information presented here. Always consult with your own lawyer before undertaking a divorce or any other major life decision.