Being a stay-at-home dad is more accepted nowadays than ever. But dads still find themselves facing subtle, and sometimes not-so-subtle discrimination and ignorance.
Even judgment, criticism, and outright contempt.
These views other people have can make you as a stay-at-home dad feel like an outcast or some kind of loser or failure. Sometimes it’s hard not to feel beaten down by the insensitive comments that people make.
Let’s face it. When the average person thinks of a stay-at-home dad, what do they picture? An unemployed, bald, lazy guy who sits around in his pajama bottoms all day drinking beer.
That’s not any more true than the stereotypes that stay-at-home moms just sit around painting their nails and watching soap operas all day. But somehow, society finds it more acceptable to look down on a dad who stays at home than a mom.
Society has a bias toward building a career and undervalues the importance of family, quality child-raising, and domestic work. Even in a culture that has otherwise largely shifted away from the gender roles of previous generations.
An Unchallenged Prejudice
Somehow the tolerance and acceptance doesn’t feel like it extends all the way to stay-at-home dads yet. Like most types of prejudice, I think this is mostly based on pure ignorance. Our society beats into our heads that the man has to be the primary breadwinner of the family, and the woman is the primary caregiver.
Stay-at-home dads are still a rarity. Trendsetters. They only account for about 16% of all stay-at-home parents. You might occasionally spot one dropping their kid off at school, in the supermarket, or in the playground. But it’s definitely still an exception. People just don’t really “get it” yet.
I’d argue that for many guys, the stigma surrounding it is precisely why they don’t choose to be a stay-at-home dad. It’s just too hard to overcome.
Hopefully, by outlining and challenging the misconceptions below, I’ll help move the world toward being a little more accepting of stay-at-home dads.
Misconception 1: I’d rather be in the office
Nope!
In fact, when I was working full-time in an office, it made me super depressed.
Like, I couldn’t think of any job that I’d be able to work for the next 30 years without wanting to kill myself. Sitting in a cubicle all day drained the life out of me.
And the older I got, the worse it got too. I hated and resented taking menial orders from my managers more and more. I hated performing a small role in a giant company where I couldn’t even see the impact of my job. I just hated it.
And I’m not alone in that. About 48% of men would actually prefer to stay home with their children if it was possible.
I was lucky. I was able to quit my job and take a risk in trying to start my own business and work from home. But that’s only because my partner’s aspirations and our financial system lined up in such a way that made it possible.
Many guys aren’t so lucky and are stuck being the breadwinners for their family, whether that’s what they want or not.
Misconception 2: My wife would rather be the one at home
Also no! Just like men have to deal with misconceptions about being a stay-at-home dad, the workplace is still full of gender stereotypes as well.
My wife is a CPA and is super-focused on advancing her career as much as possible. Especially because statistically, she knows there’s a risk her career will plateau once she goes off on maternity leave.
Note that I never said she didn’t want to be a mom. She’s still super hyped about having a baby. She just doesn’t necessarily want to be the one doing the day-to-day raising of it.
As a stay-at-home dad, you might overhear people say things to your partner like “wow, how did he get away with that?”
It’s not a matter of getting away with something, it’s the agreement we came to and what works best for both of us. I wouldn’t call choosing to contribute to the welfare of your kids everyday “getting away with something.”
Misconception 3: Guys can’t watch kids as well as women
Be a stay-at-home dad out in public with a baby for a day and you’ll see what I mean by this one.
Unsolicited advice. Unsolicited advice everywhere.
You didn’t dress them correctly. You didn’t handle that temper tantrum correctly. You shouldn’t be giving them that.
It’s not great to be told that you can’t possibly know what you’re doing. There isn’t a magical instinct that women have that make them better at childcare. Most of it is learned, and a guy who has been doing it full-time is just as competent as his female peers.
Misconception 4: I must just be unemployed
A guy must be forced to take care of his kids. What other reason would he want to do it, right?
People have trouble understanding that a father may just want to stay at home and raise his kids, because that’s what he thinks are best for the family’s situation.
Even your extended family might say it’s great what you’re doing, but then passive-aggressively pass along job advertisements or ask how the job hunt is going.
Why do women have first dibs on childcare forever? Why can’t a dad be the primary caregiver for his family by choice?
Misconception 5: I must just sit at home watching TV all day
Okay first of all, have you seen what’s on TV during the day?
Unless Jerry Springer is your jam, there isn’t really much to watch. Plus your toddler is probably hogging the TV watching Sesame Street all morning anyway.
Looking after kids is a full-time job, and between cleaning up messes and making sure the little devils don’t inadvertently kill themselves, there isn’t usually much time during the day to just sit down and put your feet up.
Misconception 6: I must be totally unmotivated and lazy
Yeah, again, if I want to stay at home instead of working in an office, it must just be that I’d rather sleep in until noon and then play video games in my pajamas all day.
Kids don’t sleep in and they’re always on the move. Arguably being a stay-at-home dad takes more patience and motivation than repeatedly entering the same stuff into a computer every day.
Plus it’s not like I get to clock out at 5 pm or take the weekends off. Whoever said that looking after children was easy? Anyone who has looked after kids knows that it’s more than a full-time job.
Misconception 7: “Looks like daddy’s babysitting today!”
“No, bitch, this is my full-time job!”
Or I mean, you could take the high road and just give them a smile and nod.
Every stay-at-home dad will probably hear this within their first week of running errands. And probably every week after that.
This one just shows how deep the parenting stereotypes go. That it doesn’t even cross other people’s minds that you might be the primary caregiver.
Stay-at-home dads aren’t somehow just glorified babysitters. They do everything that a stay-at-home mom would do.
Misconception 8: I must just not be masculine
Watching kids is a woman’s job. So if you do that, you must not be a man.
It’s not like I have a full beard and wear cargo shorts or anything.
Now I may be a bit less traditionally masculine than average because I give zero fucks about sports or cars. But I’m not exactly watching Sex and The City over here.
Misconception 9: Guys can’t be trusted with children
Society engrains this one deep.
Women can interact with kids in public, making funny faces or striking up conversations.
But as a guy, culture has basically trained me to avoid all contact with strange children and be as non-threatening toward them as possible. If you even do as much as look at a random kid, you must be a pedophile.
I worry that at some point when my kid is throwing a temper tantrum in public, onlookers might think I’m trying to steal a child. No one would ever jump to that assumption about a woman with a crying kid.
I also look forward to dealing with this bias in other parents when my kid is old enough to have friends come over and play.
Misconception 10: I can’t have as special of a bond with my kids as their mother can
Women deserve props for everything they deal with during childbirth and pregnancy. But once that baby pops out, I’m just as much a parent as you are.
Guys form a special bond with their children just as much as mothers do.
I think a lot of this misconception comes from the fact that, in general, mothers do tend to spend the most time with children. But I think that in the case of a stay-at-home dad, the roles will completely reverse.
I fully expect that in my family, my wife will be the more strict and disciplinary one, something normally reserved for the father figure.
“Just wait until your mom gets home!”
Misconception 11: Men aren’t nurturers
See, this one kind of points out the absurdity of misconception #8.
So not only are stay-at-home dads not masculine, but at the same time they’re somehow too masculine to be a nurturer.
I’m gonna throw society under the bus on this one again. TV and movies have trained us to think that all dads are incapable of feeling or expressing emotion. And will just yell at their kids to suck it up if they hurt themselves.
If I give my kids anywhere near as many hugs and kisses as I currently give to my dogs, then I don’t think we have anything to worry about on the nurturing front.
Nurturing goes beyond just providing comfort and reassurance too. Dads are just as good at nurturing confidence, education, spirit, and sense of adventure.
Misconception 12: I’m not earning an income
Okay, so we have already established that being a primary caregiver is already more than a full-time job by itself.
Plus being a stay-at-home dad saves your family thousands of dollars per year on daycare and childcare costs.
So any earnings a stay-at-home dad makes on top of staying at home is just a bonus.
But luckily, technology and the internet make it easier to make money from home than ever. Whether you’re self-employed or just working remotely for someone else.
So just because a dad is at home all day doesn’t mean he’s not also working and making money for his family. Once we have kids, I plan to continue being a freelance writer for a couple hours in the evening every night after my wife has come home.
That way she gets a chance to spend time with the kids and I’ll still be bringing in hundreds or thousands of dollars extra per month for the family, on top of my stay-at-home dad duties.
Once our kid is old enough to go to school, I’ll probably be able to expand that and work more.
Misconception 13: Dads can’t dress their kids in matching clothes
Just because I’m a dad doesn’t meant that I’m colorblind. Dressing your kids isn’t rocket science. When they’re babies, they’ll probably be wearing onesies and rompers most of the time anyway.
Plus, does it really matter that much? If my kid wants to wear a dinosaur shirt with purple pants, whatever.
Misconception 14: Dad’s can’t cook
If dad’s cooking, it must be frozen dinners, spaghetti o’s, hot dogs, or ordering delivery every night, am I right?
Assuming that a guy can’t cook a nutritious meal for his family is dumb. Maybe in general, women tend to do more of the cooking. But I’ve always prepared 95% of the meals for my wife and ever I since we’ve been together.
Her cooking isn’t bad, she just has no interest or desire to do it, and I’ve always found cooking pretty enjoyable.
Misconception 15: Dad’s can’t keep a house clean
Again, I’ve done about 95% of the cleaning in my house since I’ve been with my wife. Vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom, cat vomit, you name it. Plus I do all the outside stuff like cutting the grass or shoveling the snow too.
I’ve seen plenty of women and stay-at-home moms who have houses that are disgusting.
I think guys who gravitate toward being a stay-at-home dad tend to be borderline OCD to begin with. Gender has very little to do with it.
Misconception 16: Dads don’t hear a baby crying at night
Lol ok then. My wife is actually a much heavier sleeper than me. I’m woken up at the first whimper my puppy makes to go outside at 5 am every morning, so I think I’m ready for this.
Misconception 17: Dads aren’t any good at shopping for kid’s clothes
Like most things, I think this is just an issue with practice.
For dads who don’t stay at home, sure. But for a stay-at-home dad who hangs up the same size 2 pants to dry every week, I think they have a pretty good idea of how big their kids are.
Misconception 18: Men are bumbling idiots with babies
I blame movies like Adam Sandler’s Big Daddy for this.
This basically sums up a lot of misconceptions on this list. Basically, people think stay-at-home dads are incompetent.
Because they’re trying to equate a dad who might have to watch his kid for a couple hours once a month to someone who does it EVERY DAY.
Misconception 19: Having a SAHD will somehow scar your kid or ruin their development
Nah. If your kid grows up having a dad at home, it will just be normal to them.
It won’t give them a complex they need to talk to a therapist about later in life. It won’t give your daughter daddy issues.
We’re at a point in society where even same-sex couples adopting kids is normalized. So how is it that being a stay-at-home dad is still stigmatized?
Misconception 20: Men can’t breastfeed
Well…. okay. Actually, you got me on that one.
Good thing there’s been a patent for a little something called the breast pump since 1854.
It’s not as easy for me as just whipping my boob out whenever my kid wants to eat, and it takes some planning and coordination with the wife. But it’s no reason that a mom can’t go back to work after a few months and leave dad at home.
Conclusion
Stay-at-home dads are increasing in number, but still pretty rare in society overall.
Many misconceptions and outright slander still exists that undermines the work and effort that stay-at-home dads exhibit on a daily basis. If you’re thinking of becoming a stay-at-home dad yourself, prepare to be accused of leeching off your wife or not supporting your family, or being an incompetent fool.
I hope this article will enlighten more people as to what it means to be a stay-at-home dad (and particularly what it doesn’t mean.) But I’m pretty sure it will be years before people are fully accepting of it.
And if you’re a stay-at-home dad reading this, thanks for everything you already do to defeat the stereotype of us being bumbling, lazy people who can’t raise kids. You’re the real trailblazers. It can be easy to feel disheartened and beat down by the lack of respect that society seems to show you. But you’re taking care of your family 24/7. And after all, isn’t that what a man is meant to do?